


The heaven and hell theory

by beautaefulmistake



Category: Kpop - Fandom, NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, BoyxBoy, Letters, Love, Luwoo, M/M, Poetic, Poetry, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-06-17 04:13:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15453114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautaefulmistake/pseuds/beautaefulmistake
Summary: Kim Jungwoo sends letters to the man he loves and is trying to learn how to forget.





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Yukhei:

I believe this is the first time I dare to write anything dedicated to you,  
even though, as a writer, I believe   
nearly everything I write is in one way  
or another, dedicated to you.  
If that's the case, I'm so sorry about   
all the sad things I wrote.  
And I'm sorry I killed your favorite   
character on that story...  
Anyway,   
During all the years we were together,  
I always told you about my heaven   
and hell theory, right?  
Well, now that you cannot hear me but  
will hopefully see this sometime,   
somewhere, in another life,  
I wanted to let you know that you   
were the one who made think about it.  
Heaven and hell.  
And you were both.

\- Jungwoo; who is apparently stuck in the purgatory since I'm not with you anymore


	2. 02. To the fire

Dear Yukhei:

I wish you could have seen yourself the  
way I saw you,  
the way an artist sees art.  
And I know your knees were bruised   
from falling too much,  
your feet hurt from always taking   
one more step,  
your back was sore from carrying the  
weight of a family,  
and above all,  
your mind was broken because of   
itself.  
And I'm sorry,  
if I was the one who made you believe  
that was okay to throw the whole book  
to the fire,  
instead of ripping out a page.  
Or two.  
It didn't matter.  
You could have ripped all my pages,  
I would have let you, but,  
no.  
You had to burn the whole damn book.

\- Jungwoo; who hopes to not  
have started the fire.


	3. 03. Your crappy jokes

Dear Yukhei:

I fell in love with your obnoxious   
laugh,  
why did you have to hold it in?  
I fell in love with your wide, goofy smile,  
ironically, you always tried to hide it.  
I fell in love with the way you held me,  
but at one point you started to do it as  
if I was going to break,  
and I didn't know the one who was   
breaking was you.  
I fell in love with the way you looked   
when you had just woken up,  
but the last months I never woke up  
next to you.  
And I didn't know what you were   
doing in the room beside ours.  
I'm sorry.  
I fell in love with your crappy jokes,  
you never stopped making them,  
but I hated how you wouldn't laugh at   
them anymore.  
I fell in love with your eyes,  
they always looked at me with so  
much love,  
I never realized how much sadness   
you held in them.  
And again, I'm sorry.  
I fell in love with your excitement over  
every little thing,  
why did you have to fake that too?  
I fell in love with you.  
But you're not here anymore.

\- Jungwoo; please never doubt  
how much I loved you


	4. 04. Break me in case of emergency

Dear Yukhei:

"Break me in case of emergency"  
Remember when I told you that?  
I wish you could have listened,  
Oh, well, what am I saying?  
You always listened.  
Nevertheless,  
I wish you would have lived to that.  
You could have broken me,  
I wouldn't have minded,  
but instead you kept on breaking  
yourself.  
I don't know how you were able  
to hold it in,  
whenever we looked in each other's   
eyes,  
So intensely we could have described   
our souls to the point of perfection...

Did you ever think about telling me?

-Jungwoo; I thought I had  
good enough hearing to   
hear your soul


	5. 05. Just like you did

Dear Yukhei:

It's been 217 days,  
and I feel like I might die without you,  
just like you did.

\- Jungwoo; not feeling   
okay today


	6. 06. Proclaiming yourself human

Dear Yukhei:

I'm feeling better today.  
Yesterday I saw the first leaves   
falling down the trees,  
I heard the first chats from kids  
about their costumes ideas,  
excited because Halloween feels closer.  
I noticed how breezy it was,  
and how the sun wasn't burning my   
skin anymore.  
And I remembered you.  
I did because I fell in love with you  
in Autumn.

What better time for falling, right?

I saw you proclaiming yourself human,  
I saw you breaking down  
and I saw you laughing.  
I captured every single detail about  
your features.  
And let me tell you,   
they weren't perfect.  
I noticed that little scar on your   
left cheek.  
The way your nose is a little uneven.  
Traces of many teenage years   
struggling with acne.  
But they were beautiful.

\- Jungwoo; also, human


	7. 07. People who made you happy

Dear Yukhei:

You were so beautiful,  
that telling you felt redundant  
and not telling you  
felt too much like silence.  
That's why I kissed you whenever  
I could;  
the closest form to poetry.  
I drew letters with my lips on yours,  
and created stories as breathtaking  
as the kiss itself.  
I used to live so scared of the people  
who made you happy,  
because they had the power to make  
you sadder when they left.  
So there I was,  
terrified of myself,  
not knowing that even if you didn't  
make yourself happier,  
no one could hurt you the way you did.

\- Jungwoo; I would have   
healed you


	8. 08. On the green leaf

Dear Yukhei:

I've seen a love die before,  
I remember how my grandpa held  
my grandma as if they were taking  
their last breath together.  
She would smile widely,  
he would chuckle and whisper  
in her ear.  
But they don't love each other,  
not anymore.  
But I still love you,  
and I will always love you;  
the same way people go stargazing  
on a cloudy night.  
I know you may not be able to   
love me back anymore.  
Nevertheless,  
sometimes you stop loving, not knowing why.  
It's like opening your hand and finding it empty,  
and suddenly not knowing what you're missing.  
You stop loving,  
and it's like a river whose water stop  
calming the thirst.  
Like walking in autumn on dead leaves,  
and standing on the green leaf,  
which wasn't supposed to fall.  
And it's like cutting a rose to decorate the table,  
and seeing how the wind defoliates the flower  
just in front of your face.  
And it'd funny,  
because I happen to not  
be able to stop loving you.

-Jungwoo; Sometimes I want  
you to leave my mind


	9. Feeling different

Dear Yukhei:

I know how much you loved to look  
at pretty things,  
believe me,  
I used to be so jealous of Sicheng,  
or Taeyong,  
or Yuta.  
I noticed how your eyes sparkled,  
every time you looked at a pretty flower,  
at a pretty landscape,  
at me.  
On the other side,  
even the look in your eyes ended up  
feeling different. Off and odd.  
Do you remember what you said to me   
when I told you about it?

 

\- Jungwoo; you said you were fine,  
and I believed you


	10. The letters of your name

Dear Yukhei:

The way I got used to you making me  
not getting used to anything   
amazed me;  
it was like you were the same person,  
but different.  
And now I wonder who you really   
were.  
Happy endings are for sad people  
who aren't able to enjoy the way.  
So, believe me,  
I enjoyed every single second I spent  
by your side.  
I think I even fell in love with the   
letters of your name.  
You fucked me up, Yukhei.  
Thank you.

This is the last letter I write,  
I'm sorry it's not full of pretty words  
and metaphors,  
I didn't turn you into a hurricane or   
a butterfly this time.  
Instead,  
You were just Yukhei.  
No.  
You're Yukhei.

I also think you need to know that you  
were enough.  
You are enough.  
And I love you, Wong.

And let me tell you a secret,  
you don't have to believe everything   
that pops up in your mind.  
Even you are sabotaging yourself.

With nothing more to say,  
and really looking forward a new future,  
goodbye.

\- Jungwoo; You'll stay  
alive in my mind


	11. Yukhei's letter

Dear Jungwoo:

I got all your letters, at first I wanted to read them as soon as I got them, in a small, dirty and dark room of a motel, that was just at first though, when I felt like my heart was going to go up my throat and personally slap me for not being there with you. I'm sorry. I want you to know that none of this was your fault, I wish you smile and don't blame or punish yourself; you change lives, not destinies. I'm sorry I left you and I'm sorry I wanted to die.

I want to tell you that I still want to kill myself. No. Not like that one time you found me in the bathroom and not like the day I left you after yelling at you in the middle of the street. Cold breeze, autumn weather, and a broken heart. I want to kill my old self, the Yukhei who had the heart (or lack of it) to yell at you that night when all you wanted to do was help me because you had found out what I was planning to do. I want to be someone better and new, someone you deserve to be with. Please remember me with that goofy smile you told me about in one of your first letters and I promise I will come back.

I was in love with you and I hope you acknowledge that. In fact, I'm still in love with you. I can't say you're the only thing that puts me back to Earth but, Jungwoo, I love you so fucking much and if you only loved me one-third of how much I do, that would be more than enough for me.

I'm sure you want answers about what happened the night I left. After our argument, I got in the car and you tried to stop me, believe me here that I couldn't even look at you because I knew that if I did I would have wanted to stay, I would have gotten out of the car and I would have died inside instead of killing myself that night. One of the hardest decisions in my life was choosing between me and you. After I started the car and left I heard you scream and agonize and I'm so fucking sorry, Jungwoo, I was in so much pain, as in physical pain because I had left you there, no explanation besides 'I'm killing myself tonight'.

I didn't, as you surely have noticed by now.

Sorry, not in the mood for jokes?

I'll continue.

I arrived at the city center and I parked the car, got out, walked in the crowd. It was so damn loud, so annoying, so overwhelming. Everything I wanted to get away from, so I went to a quieter place. Yes, our place. I climbed on top of the factory's rooftop and there, sitting on the border, a 50 feet fall underneath me, absolute silence, I thought about you.

I thought about every single detail on your features, and I'm glad to have read in your letters that you appreciated mine too, I thought about the way you make me feel me and alive. I'm sorry I hated you for that when I wanted everything but to feel alive.

I can't tell the exact moment when I decided that maybe life wasn't for me, and I can't recall the moment when I knew that death wasn't for me either, so I stood up, admired the landscape one more time and got off the rooftop. Nevertheless, I couldn't go back to you, as I told you I needed to kill myself in a harder way than just ending my life. 

And here I am, 4 in the morning, a pen and my heart on my hand, in my parents' house, my old room, fixed things, new me, open eyes and open mind. Telling you that I'm in love.

You always knew how to make me feel better, and I want to explain why I stopped believing in the sweet words you told me. You're a writer, Jungwoo, your job is to make people feel with your words but you don't always feel the way you write, I'll always remember you crying because you killed a character of yours and laughing at the next second about yourself. After reading your letters, letters you thought you were sending to deaf ears and blind eyes, I understood that maybe, just maybe, you actually loved me.

So, Jungwoo, I'm sorry but it's been 539 days and I'm coming back to you.

\- Yukhei; I'm sorry I broke myself,  
it was an emergency


	12. Epilogue; "it makes us human"

Jungwoo's eyes overflowed at the sight of the tall Chinese male in front of him, as soon as Yukhei wrapped his arms around him he let out a small yelp and grasped to his t-shirt, maybe making sure that it was real and his lover was actually embracing him and his heart.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." Yukhei kept whispering as he traced shapes on the smaller's back. "Did you get my letter?"

Jungwoo just nodded, his face buried on the younger's chest. "I'm so happy you're alive beyond my heart"

"Me too" A subtle smile appeared on Yukhei's lips.

They weren't aware of how long they spent hugging and sporadically kissing, telling each other about the time they had spent apart and sharing their minds and bodies, but when they were over and Jungwoo was resting his head on Yukhei's bare chest which was rapidly rising, it felt like they hadn't been far from each other more than a second. 

"Remember the theory you told me about?" The older, with eyes closed letting himself get lost in his lover's scent, nodded slowly. "I think I'm not both heaven and hell."

Intrigued, Jungwoo moved to place his head on the pillow and look at Yukhei's profile during a few seconds before he also moved to get face to face with him. "What are you, then?"

"I'm... I think I spent a while in hell, in fact, I think hell is everywhere, I saw so many realities, so much pain, just too much." The younger took a deep breathe as if he was trying to put his thought in order before continuing to talk, he placed an arm around his boyfriend's waist, who was looking at him with wide wondering eyes. "Hell is everywhere except around you."

"I've been thinking about it too," Jungwoo confessed with cheeks tinted in red because of Yukhei's words. "But I believe we all have a little of heaven and a little of hell inside, it makes us complete... and mostly, it makes us human."

The younger smiled so widely even his eyes smiled at the other male, who returned the smile. "Did you write any book while I was away?"

"Yeah, but it's really sad" The older murmured as he played with Yukhei's stray strings of hair. "I think it contains all the sad things that went through my mind and I killed so many characters, I made the main one go through so much pain, I used a pandemic so I could reflect the pain that was heavy in my heart..."

"Not all stories have happy endings, as you said, happy endings are for sad people who can't enjoy the way." A smile appeared on Jungwoo's lips simply because Yukhei remembered the words he had sent to him.

"What about ours? Isn't this a happy ending?" Yukhei chuckled and placed a soft kiss on his boyfriend's lips, and without separating from them, he murmured while brushing his lips against Jungwoo's.

"Oh, baby, this story isn't over yet."


End file.
